I've changed my mind about dating

​“You’re not fat, but don’t gain any more weight. Boys don’t want girls who are too fat.”  I cringe at the memory of this horrible advice given to me by an older family member when I was 15 years old. This was not the first or last time that I was fed such an unhealthy notion of relationships (and body image) in my youth. I am among the many women of my generation who were burdened with the idea that a man was something to earn. You had to be a certain type of woman, look a certain way, do certain things…to deserve the attention of a man. Madness, right? Absolute madness. I could delve into where this frame of thought originated, for Black women, but I don’t want to get too far off track. Just know, that there are so many of us who have had to grow and heal to release ourselves from the belief that we must be ‘deserving’ of companionship and healthy relationships. 

​Here is how that growth journey has looked for me. I spent my 20s and most of my 30s feeling like I had failed in some way, because I was still single. I was so hard on myself. Women of older generations would make matters worse with these infamous questions “why aren’t you dating? You don’t have a boyfriend, yet? As recently as this summer, a relative asked me "Antoinette, you're not married yet. What's wrong with you?" The audacity! It has taken years of therapy, becoming more self-aware, more understanding of my worth, for me to be able to free myself from asinine thought patterns. I now know that, at any point in my growth journey, I am loveable and deserving of love. Men (romantic partners) are not prizes that are bestowed upon us for being good girls. Maintaining a healthy relationship requires commitment and dedication from both parties, and it is not the woman’s duty to ‘keep a man’.  

​Today’s dating scene is challenging for many of us (an understatement, I know). Over the years, dating has become more fun and less disappointing because I have curated a life that I love. Here are seven truths that I stand by and that make dating a much more enjoyable experience.

• Meeting a partner is a life event, just like any other. It’s not a game that I’m playing to either win or lose.
•  I enjoy my own space, my own company. A loving relationship would be great, but I will always ensure that I am satisfied in my own company and my own space, single or not.
• This quote by Warsan Shire: “My alone feels so good, I will only have you if you are sweeter than my solitude”
• I will not allow others (family members or not) to dictate the standards that I live by. 
• I’ve been told that I’m looking for a fairytale. My response – I’d rather be alone than accept anything less than what I deserve.
• I’ve been told that I don’t seem like the type of woman that needs a man. I have deciphered that to mean that the person who perceives me in that way can’t see how they can add to my life. They feel that I don’t need them. I’m okay with knowing that. I believe that the person who is a match for me, will see that he has a place in my life.
• I’m saying it loud. I’m a lover-girl and I’m proud! Lol. So-called independent women are often chastised for showing any measure of softness, including when we admit that we want companionship. I have no problem admitting that I LOVE love. It’s a beautiful thing!

​I am so grateful for growth and the gift of being an independent thinker. Now, in my forties, I know who I am and what I deserve. I am, by no means, perfect and I don’t have to be. Whether partnered or single, I have what I need to live a happy, fulfilled life.